Grief

A friend who has been going through an unimaginably hard loss shared a post recently that resonated deeply with me.  It read: Early grief is so bewildering. “Early grief is largely this- crashing again and again into a reality that can’t be real.” Megan Devine

Grief is bewildering. Time continues to pass, the world moves on, while the pain ripping at our heart, the anguish tearing our soul remains, a constant reminder of the loved one lost. We feel confused, conflicting ideas, questioning how can it have only been a day, a month, a year when it feels like forever since we’ve seen their face, heard their voice. And, at the same time how can it already have been so long, when the pain still feels so fresh and raw, as if the loss were only yesterday?

Everyone dies and so everyone experiences the death of a loved one at some point. It is the most ordinary, common, shared experience and yet each person’s experience is so unique, each grief so personal. We can be with one another in the midst of it, can come together in compassion and charity but feel so alone. None of this makes sense. Death leaves us mystified, it is a forgone conclusion and yet an unforeseen shock.

Largely this bewilderment comes from the fact that we were not made for death. In the beginning, God who is life, created us, man and woman, in His image and likeness. We were created both to be like Him and also to be in relationship with God and one another. Separation was never supposed to be a part of that reality. And so, in the face of death we lament, we mourn, we weep.

Jesus wept. There is great comfort in those words for they give us permission to weep as well. For while it is true that we do not mourn like those who have no hope, and while we know that the loss is not final, nevertheless it is real and the separation painful. Jesus was soon to restore Lazarus to life and we, who trust in the resurrection of the dead, believe we live be reunited with our loved ones as well. But, for right now, in this moment, their place next to us is empty and our souls rebel against that reality for we recognize that it ought not to be this way. In the beginning it was not so.

Hope remains, of course. Love is not ended and the veil between us and our beloved dead is thin, so thin in fact that we can help one another from either side. The Church encourages us, especially in this month of November, to pray for the dead still in need of purification and at the same time reminds us of those who have gone before, perfect in charity, who now pray for us. It is a good reminder and one to cling to as we walk through the stages of grief. But, if in those early days- however long they may be- all we can do is weep and remain near to Jesus who weeps with us, it is enough. It is enough.